The Signs You’re Ready for a Change (Even If You’ve Failed Before)

Maybe you’ve got a drawer somewhere with three half-used fitness journals in it. Maybe you still have the meal-prep containers you bought back in January, still wrapped in plastic. Maybe you’ve started this — whatever “this” is, for you — so many times that you’re embarrassed to tell others you’re trying it again.

Almost everyone has tried and failed to make a change at some point in their life. That doesn’t mean change is impossible for them — it may just mean they weren’t ready yet.

If some part of you is bracing for this article to tell you the real problem is that you haven’t wanted it enough, take a breath. That’s not what this is.

The research on behavior change shows that readiness isn’t a feeling you sit around waiting for. It’s a set of specific, checkable things. And failing at this goal before doesn’t mean you’ll fail again — in fact, a rocky history might be part of how you actually get there.

Change Was Never Supposed to Happen in One Try

Think of a friend who managed to quit smoking for good. She likely didn’t quit on the first attempt. Each time, she probably made it a few weeks before something pulled her back: a rough week at work, a wedding, a fight with her partner. Then, one day, it finally worked.

This is often what it looks like when people quit a bad habit, or start a healthy one. Multiple attempts aren’t a sign you don’t want it badly enough. They’re a common part of the process.

The most widely used framework for how people change behavior — Prochaska and DiClemente’s “Stages of Health Behavior Change” model — maps change as a series of stages:

• Not thinking about it yet
• Thinking about it
• Getting ready
• Doing it
• Staying with it

Later versions of this model added a sixth stage: relapse — returning to the habit you were trying to change. This research frames relapse not as a failure or the opposite of change, but a normal, expected part of it.

Researchers eventually stopped picturing the stages as a straight staircase and started calling the pattern a spiral instead: you go around more than once, but you’re never back exactly where you started. You just know a little more than you did.

If it helps to have a number: conventional estimates put it at 8 to 11 serious attempts before a smoker quits for good. A 2016 study that followed smokers for three years found the real average might be closer to 30.

The same logic can apply to other behaviors, like losing weight, meditating, or starting an exercise program.

What “Ready” Actually Means

It’s hard to define “ready”, but one way to think about it is the readiness ruler — a tool used in a type of therapy called Motivational Interviewing.

The readiness ruler involves two separate 0-to-10 questions: one for how important the change feels, one for how confident you are that you could actually do it.

Let’s say you’re thinking about going to Pilates weekly.

How important does the change feel? You know Pilates helps with your sciatica, and it’s been particularly debilitating lately. You also know that a weekly class is great for your mental health. So, you might rate the importance as a 9 — it’s a high priority for you.

But how confident do you feel that you can actually do it? You might rate this as a 3, because you’ve tried going to a weekly exercise class before, and it lasted exactly one month before you skipped a class.

So, the importance is a 9, but you’re kind of assuming you’ll fail at it anyway. That’s a tough place to be in.

Instead of wishing that 3 was a 10, a helpful question to ask yourself is why that 3 isn’t a 0. Think about it — what’s giving you that little bit of hope? You might say it’s a 3 because you actually did manage to go to exercise classes before, and you enjoyed it. And even though you missed week five, you returned for week six and seven.

That bit of hope is something your confidence can build on.

You can also ask yourself, what would it take to get from a 3 to a 4? Maybe you’ll feel more confident in your ability to stick to this habit if you knew a friend would come with you, or if you did one-on-one classes instead of going into a gym, or if you promised yourself a sauna session and a coffee after.

Think about what will make your habit easier and more enjoyable to carry out.

Why Beating Yourself Up Backfires

Self-discipline doesn’t have to require self-loathing. In fact, being compassionate towards yourself is an important part of making a change that sticks.

Giving yourself grace is essential, especially when life gets in the way.

Let’s say you’ve decided to walk every single morning. But then you have a bad night of sleep, or your child gets ill, and you have to miss one morning walk. It’s tempting to throw in the towel and tell yourself, “Well, since I couldn’t stick to this 100%, I shouldn’t try at all.” By the next week, you’ve given up on your goal altogether.

There’s a name for this psychological phenomenon: the abstinence violation effect. This is when a minor slip in a personal goal turns into a full-blown relapse. You fall off the bandwagon once, and you decide there’s no point in getting up again.

Compassion can make a difference here. Try responding to your own mistakes the way you’d respond to a friend’s — with warmth and kindness, not a lecture. Research shows that this approach can reduce the abstinence violation effect.

Instead of shame — which is a terrible motivator! — remind yourself that you’re capable of getting back into it. Remember your reasons for making the change in the first place.

You Don’t Have to Do This Alone

Humans are social creatures. Making a change with someone can help you stick to it.

Let’s say you’re going to start eating a protein-rich breakfast every morning. You might decide to do it with your partner, with both of you eating the same healthy meal every morning. You might also just decide to tell someone about it, like a colleague or your sister.

In truth, research shows that making changes with others is a good way of ensuring it sticks. Recently, a 2024 meta-analysis — which looked at 24 trials and nearly 5,000 adults — found that support-based programs are more likely to produce sustainable change.

In other words, you’re more likely to stick with a change if you have the support of others.

If you can’t find a friend you’re comfortable sharing your goals with, consider joining a group, getting an accountability buddy, or — if possible — working with a personal trainer or coach. Not only is there an element of accountability, it can also make the experience more fun.

Feeling Ready Is Not the Same as Being Ready

You might not feel ready to take the next step. But you may still be ready.

It’s normal to feel nervous, doubtful, or cynical. Having anxieties or doubts doesn’t mean it won’t work. It certainly doesn’t mean it’s not worth a try. A lot of the time, feeling ready or motivated only comes after you start making the change.

You don’t have to be sure the change will stick this time. You simply have to be willing to try.

Remember, None of the Other Attempts Were Wasted

When you’ve tried to make a specific change again and again, it can be super discouraging when that change doesn’t stick. You might feel like throwing in the towel — why waste your time and effort trying again?

Try to keep this in mind: it’s not actually a waste.

Every attempt you’ve made was an experiment that helped you collect data on what works for you, and what doesn’t. Every time you try to make a change, you learn more about yourself.

More importantly, you’re demonstrating faith in your ability to make that change. You might start your fourteenth attempt thinking, “I’ve failed thirteen times before.” Remind yourself that you also tried thirteen times before — and that persistence is what will eventually get you there.